ITALIANS - They drive me crazy!!

We all like to be prepared for a foreign country and guide books are great as far as they go and the little phrase books are indispensable. Here are a few tips that you won't find in many guides...

· If you are going to speak Italian learn what you should be saying to different age groups - old people get very offended with informality.

· Italians love talking about star signs, food, and family.

· Italians take great pride in ignoring any rules or laws of the road - pedestrians are fair game.

· If you try to speak Italian it is much appreciated and the response may well be in English.

· Mainly only tourists eat pizza..

· Don't drive into the cities. Italian drivers are lunatics and you may be forced to pay for protection/extra insurance on your car.

Italians are the most skilful drivers in the world, but in accordance with classic theories about risk-assessment, they become overconfident as a result. This is why all Italians, even those with large families, drive very small Fiats. It also explains why they are all covered in dents (the cars, that is, rather than the Italians).Italy has two basic driving styles: one for the towns and one for the mountains.

In towns, when you come to a junction you point your car at the exit you want. Four seconds before the lights go green, you press the accelerator to the floor, then weave between any cars which get in your way until you emerge.

In the mountains, use the middle of the road at all times (even when someone's coming the other way), with one important exception: when you hear a deep horn from round a hairpin bend, brake. It is probably a marble lorry coming, and they just don't get out of the way. They don't have to.

Yes, it appears crazy, but that's because the Italian drivers are following a different set of rules than those posted on the street signs. Once you learn the rules, it's actually fun to drive there

Read 'The Italians' by Luigi Barzini, who loves and criticizes his countrymen at the same time. For example, you'll learn that 'passing' someone in a car is 'sorpassare' in Italian. But 'sorpassare' also means 'to surpass', physically, morally, ethically, and sexually. So, as Barzini says, it doesn't matter how fast you get somewhere, what's important is how many people you pass on the way ;-)